Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.

   B!tch please! Your bra has more stuffing than a teddy bear.

   I can't wait til the kids go back to school and all the people who are supposed to be working start posting again.

   I'm Not Lazy. Someone Just Stole My Motivation. I'm the Victim here!!!

   One thing that will always remain true: There is no cool way to run with a backpack

   Alcohol: Because no good story ever starts with "So this one time I was eating a salad..."

   the best revenge is to be happy...or laxitives in brownies, whichever

   that uncomfortable feeling when your poking session on FB lasted longer than "the real poking'

   ‎"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"

   I just finished putting up my Christmas lights...well actually all I had to do was turn them back on again, since they've been up all year anyway.

   Whenever I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".

   I never make the same mistake twice. Except for that time in Thailand. But in my defence they had really small atoms apples.

   "I faked all my LOLs."

   I Once seen an eskimo pee ice cubes...