Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Twilight movie.

   R.I.P To everyone who didn't make it to this Thanksgiving, I hope their families will be strong & have fun for them.

   Dear Target: please fire your ad agency. That crazy blonde lady in red is annoying and will probably bring your sales way down. Call an audible and hire Walmart's

   It's frustrating when you know exactly what something means but not how to explain it

   If Winnie the Pooh and his gang were a group of gangstas I think it would be safe to say that at one time or another Tigger would say something stupid and Pooh would respond with, "Tigga' Please!"

   Don't let your affection give you an infection, put some protection on that erection

   You managed to live through 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, 04/04/04, 05/05/05, 06/06/06, 07/07/07, 08/08/08, 09/09/09, 10/10/10 and now 11/11/11. Give yourself a pat on the back.

   I'm not single, I'm in a long distance relationship with this girl who lives in my future.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. We're not sure if Lady Gaga has one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses it. What is it? A last name.

   F*CK! I think I need to put the booze down...Ive been cookin this damn turkey for 450 minutes at 15 degrees... When do I rotate it?!

   undecided between Grey Goose or Wild Turkey for Thanksgiving today.

   Did you hear about the Nascar driver who turned to boxing....he ran around the ring 300 times then knocked the guy out

   It is safe to cook a turkey from the frozen state. The cooking time will take at least 50 percent longer....... REDNECK COOKIN

   Sometimes it's fun to use unnecessary amounts of anger: "Peter can I have one of your chips?" "no" "DAMN IT PETER, I WILL SH!T ON YOUR GRAVE!!"

   They are out hunting Duck at the protective wildlife refuge. Who is protected me or the wildlife?

   Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm 50. Grab a saucer out the cupboard I gotta feed my kitty. Before I leave, brush my teeth, with a tube of Colgate, cause when I leave for the night, I'll be back by 8.

   Hello? Mother Nature? Yes I would like to cancel my monthly subscription...Ah, I can't do that before 40 years are up? No I would not like to transfer to the 9 month plan....

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" "So is a grenade"

   There are four stages of life; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

   feel like I should smoke a cigarette after what it took to get the Canberry sauce out of the can.