Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to surprise you girlfriend? Introduce her to your boyfriend.. :O

   I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

   To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.

   Sorry to say, but if you're celebrating Veterans Day by calling into work so you can stay home and play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, then you're doing it wrong.

   Skinny Chicks that wear long Eyelashes be looking like Mosquitoes'!

   You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps.

   I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.

   CALL OF DUTY. Replacing girlfriends since 2003.

   Don't confuse fame with success. Kim Kardashian is one; Mother Teresa is the other.

   People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!

   We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.

   Good girls get presents, Naughty girls get money. - by Order of SANTA CLAUS.

   Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.

   I can't wait to get outta work so I can log onto Facebook for the first time today. ;0)

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   before you post a tready status update about something like..I don't know....11:11 on 11/11/11 look to see if other people posted about it. If they did, its not original and don't bother.

   Morning texts are for people you love, Midnight texts are for people you wanna f*ck

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.

   Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.