Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife has been worried about her weight...i told her to keep her chins up...

   Kinda glad the "You Broke It, You Bought It" policy doesn't apply .to people

   Never let on to your kids that the shower dramatically changes temperature when the toilet is flushes. Otherwise, you've just given them a new favorite pastime.

   thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you!!!!

   there any good boxers named mario? would love to see super mario fight pac man

   You obviously dont know me very well. I'm smiling, and your not running...

   I seen a New Cartoon on MTV, The opening line was a kid telling his mom she smelt like Balls and Old Spice. Epic moment

   Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed.

   A Dang Owl outside won't shut up... It keeps asking me "WHO"... I've said Mike Jones like 30 times

   Best part of living alone...clothing optional

   I love the looks that can only be shared with you and another customer in a grocery line

   hanging out with his cousin, Ahmed. Or as you know him Dave from AT&T customer services.

   When I'm watching a 3D movie I take the glasses off for a second to see the difference.

   Just got back from the gym. Well chuffed as they've got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot....

   just had a 4 course breakfast.....Three Bloody Mary's and an Egg McMuffin!

   Better late than pregnant.

   Just saw one my friends post a status saying "if you ♥ your FACEBOOK ;) #Likke".....Truth is no one really likes FB its just an addiction.

   Pitbull's videos = 10% music, 90% porn, 0% hair

   Ladies, it doesn't hurt to douche y'know

   Someone should make a TV game show called "Pregnant Or Not Pregnant?" and have contestants questioning fat girls for prizes.