Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend got mad at me because I didn't like her Facebook status 30 minutes after she posted it. It's not like I have a magical Facebook device on me at all times. Sent via safari for iPhone.

   Hate Mondays.Annoy Tuesday.Ignore Wednesday.Smile Thursday.Love Friday.Enjoy Saturday.Damn Sunday!

   People are quick to judge others, but slow to notice and correct their own mistakes.

   put a fork in them I believe duke is done. GO BUCKS!

   enough with this Victoria Secret nonsense. If I'm watching a chick on tv, she's gotta be naked plain and simple. Girls Gone Wild is the lowest I go

   Wish I could be a Victoria's Secret model... LOL JK I'm baking cupcakes and eating whipped cream straight from the can. WEA DA THICK GURLZ AT?

   I really hate it when Wikipedia copies my entire homework!

   ONCE UPON A TIME there was a girl & a boy who loved each other then a slut came along & ruined everything. THE END!

   The man who really loves his girl, is the man who knows that he can make her cry... but will never try.

   Kids are more fun when you can give them back.

   A relationship with no trust is like a cell phone with no service. You can only play games.

   Love has 4 letters, but so does Hate ; Friends has 7 letter, but so does Enemies; Truth has 5 letters, but so does Lying

   What's Herman Cain and Sandusky's favorite song? "It wasn't me" by singer Shaggy featuring RicRok

   Dont you just love my t!tt!es? (+ )(- ).. Its just a tit bit nipply in here!

   I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single

   Ummm,,,,Why do all these old bands keep copying glee songs?

   Don't call me son unless you're going to include me in your will.

   watching football its like watching monkeys chasing a banana

   I have heard that if a bear approaches you in the woods...you should play dead. I think I know why. it's to get you used to what you're going to look like in a minute.

   Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...