Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   I just saw a headline saying, "Is Rebecca Black pregnant?" & all I could think of was that I guess she chose the back seat.

   Makes you wonder if Cedar Point tourism will be down next year. Pretty sure no kid is gonna be too excited to go see Sandusky...

   If my relationship status ever changes from single to married, please know that its not me, my account has been hacked.

   The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die.

   A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford.

   Berlusconi is out of office. Lock up your daughters.

   In the end, girls really just want one thing from guys, all of our hoodies.

   she's so sexy I won't let her in the bathroom with me for the fear of wet ceiling tiles, RJ

   Nobody in this world can be as patient as Ted Mosby's children.

   I going to wear my Pinocchio G-string underwear to bed..... and tell my wife to tell me lies,,,,,,, tell me sweet little lies!!!!!!!...I will let you know how it goes.... LOL :-)

   Are seniors from a church group in the hood submitting all these? or just the most moronic people new to the internet?

   If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.

   It takes a man to admit he's wrong....it takes a woman to get him to do it.

   In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

   Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.