Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tattoo my name on your body so that I know you are dumb.

   It is amazing how much effort I put into my laziness.

   has a mind like a drill bit! It is twisted, and very dangerous if used improperly

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. Yeah that'll teach 'em to not mess with you.

   “Are you asleep?” “No! I was in a comma, thanks for saving me."

   I'll admit it, the ring girls are one of the main reasons I watch boxing.

   Single as a dollar and I'm not looking for change

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   remember guys...try to keep her as a love bird...dont do anything to make her an angry bird

   Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   So I told my friend there is a new app for iphone where you can measure a pools temperature by putting the phone in the water.... Droid users 1 Apple 0

   I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators

   Remember that new kid who always used to wear a skull cap and asked you to go to the prom with him and you rejected him?..Yeah,He had cancer and he died the very same night you were dancing with the school bully..Let that marinate in your mind for awhile

   If you are what you eat, then are cannibals the only true humas??? O_O

   I love the instant bowel cleansing I receive after eating McDonald's food!

   ❒ In A Relationship ❒ Single ❒ Messing Around ❒ Getting Cheated On ❒ F**k Relationships ✔I'm Just Hungry!

   Tom Anderson uses Facebook so I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg uses Google+

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   I like my Women like I like my Beer....Pale, Full Bodied, Icy Cold and Delivered to me by a Wagon pulled by Clydesdales....