Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say pot is a Gateway drug. If I don't hurry up and smoke some, this POS Gateway computer is going out the window.

   Unlike Rudolph, I don't have to visit the Island of Misfit Toys this Christmas. I work there.

   Its awesome how you can feel happy, sad, scared or aroused just because of the arrangement of pixels on your screen.

   Jesus can walk on water. Humans are 75% water. I can walk on humans. Therefore, I am 75% Jesus,

   What if P Diddy was actually called Pete Diddy and we just misheard him and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, but every night he goes home and cries and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

   Pretending to be a pleasant person all day is EXHAUSTING!!!

   Someone should invent a bra that plays music so girls can't complain that guys always stare at their boobs and never listen to them.

   “In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.” 

   Imagine if people were punished like dogs and had our noses rubbed in wrong doings? "Aw man, forgot to take out the trash" Welp, untie that bag and get your face in there. Look at him, he knows what he did.

   the words "epic" and "swag" must be abolished at some point. But then again Snoop Dogg has epic swag.

   i'm not lazy. i'm just highly motivated to not do anything.

   No Cyndi Lauper...you're so very wrong. Girls don't just wanna have fun...they want a whole lotta sh!t. Christmas blows. Sincerely - A broke boyfriend.

   the moment when you realize that you've been singing the wrong words to a song usually happens when everyone is singing aloud in a car. kills the song and the moment.

   If little girls were given dolls that drank and wet because they had maternal instincts...how come us guys weren't given blow up dolls for our paternal instincts?

   Ladies: Don't over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.

   Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!

   I wonder what I did at work before I had and I-phone and Facebook.