Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gentlemen, for the next 2-3 weeks the best pick up line at any bar is, "What's Call of Duty?" You can thank me at the bachelor party.

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   Some people look at a mousetrap and just see a trap for a mouse. Some of us look and see free cheese and a challenge.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   Dreams are just fanfictions of your life written by your brain.

   Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.

   It is important to be thankful for little things in life. Like the fact that the world doesn't make a strange creaking noise when it rotates on its axis.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Heard they have a new Michael Jackson video game out.....I bet the Pedophiles are gonna love this.