Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.

   Midget: *walks into library* exuse me,do you have any books on irony? librarian: its on the top shelf!.....

   STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.

   If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..

   Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!

   what we mean and mean what we say.. Honesty is the only way!

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.

   Man get of the couch and do something with your life. Christ even eggs get laid!

   My Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're the Crazy One...

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   I bet Sandusky is having issues sleeping, maybe he should call Dr Conrad Murray.