Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.

   All you damn people inviting me to Castleville get on Battlefield 3 so I can knife you!!

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   Q) Why was the Snowman so happy? A) He saw the SnowBlower coming!!!!

   My grandfather was a wise man, which is probably why every Christmas he only gave me Myrrh.

   Is there a High Council of Nazi Elders? To whom do we report these bathroom graffiti artists who are drawing their swastikas backwards?

   I just made eye contact with a guy in a turtleneck and now I like Coldplay.

   If bad decisions were flavored, they'd taste like tequila.

   I don't speak Italian, but Pinot Grigio means "slut fuel," right?

   I'll stop making excuses when other people start taking responsibility for my actions.

   If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel you're in a cave you idiot!

   tryen to get in the Christmas spirit, but I can't get the damn jar to open!

   I don't drink milk often but when I do I prefer Dos Titties

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

   Oceans, largest to smallest: Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Southern, Arctic, Billy.

   Parents, be nice to your children's teachers. They know more about you than you'd ever care to imagine.

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.