Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up

   The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one

   How come men go to $trip clubs with other men? I'm thinking of getting a b0ner later, you wanna come? Come on man let's go get some b0ners, my treat! I love going out with my buddies and getting b0ners with them...

   I know how to spell, so why do my words make no sense when I try to verbally spell something for a friend?!

   I Absolutely hate when my touch screen touches things I had no intention of touching.

   I thought I saw an "Occupy Wall Street" support group tonight....Turns out it was just a dozen city cops occupying Dunkin' Donuts.

   Live each day like it is your last. Murmuring regrets and occasionally spitting up blood

   obviously all these people hatin on Occupy wall street HAVE a job.

   Like nature and opportunities, when booty calls...I answer

   Dude! He just called you a thief! Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!

   RIP: Occupy Wall Street. Go occupy a job now.

   Friends are like Snowflakes, If you pee on them they disappear.

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky

   If I was a rapper, I would use the stage name Gee Wizzy

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   "Do I smoke?" Only when I'm on fire. Which happens much less often now that I've cut back on the whole Tequila and fireworks combo.

   That one minute party you have when the teacher leaves the room

   If it's foggy out and you are driving without your headlights on, I pray you don't find a "good" parking space this holiday season.