Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his blue tooth earpiece

   I refuse to eat food I drop on the ground, but if I drop a cigarette? Yep, it's getting smoked

   Conrad Murray got 4 years in the slam for killing Whacko Jacko......But he's feeling much better about the outcome since Lindsay Lohan assured him he'd probably be released in about 12 hours...

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   According to a recent survey just released this week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. Even worse, the other two-thirds have urinated in their own laps.

   On a scale from Casey Anthony to Penn State, how much do you love children?

   It is safe to say that I am in the shower for a good 15 minutes before I actually start cleaning myself.

   I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music,, denigrate means ‘put down'.

   When I say I have "true grit" right now, I'm not talking about how tough I am. Just that I happend to smile during this dust storm :/

   Women that go to the supermarket in heels are shopping for more than groceries.

   56 yrs ago today Rosa Parks occupied a seat on a bus that she wasn't supposed to sit in because she was black. Her act continues to inspire.

   Ya know some days, I just don't feel like having a conversation of witty build-up to which I know is going to lead to an unsatisfing joke!

   Is it a zit or is it a 3rd nipple growing on my face. This is one of those wait & see moments people.

   It's taken me this long to realize "Eurozone Crisis" wasn't referring to a woman's underarm area.

   The Cain Train got derailed because the conductor couldn't stop chasing caboose.

   We must love and respect one another. Except people who decorate Christmas trees with blue lights. They should be waterboarded.

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish and lipstick off my ball$.

   Jesus was the most famous birth ever, but people sure do make a big deal about Panda's too!

   Give a Newt, Don't dispute.

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.