Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex on the toilet in Jurassic Park

   I can keep a secret, its all the people I tell who cant.

   I should be sitting in prison right now on charges of arson. Luckily for me, the judge died last night in a 'mysterious' house fire.

   Ugly women with bad attitudes get on my damn nerves.

   Worst Passwords of 2011 : "kimswedding" ... Too short & not strong enough.

   Get rid of people that withdraw from your life and never deposit!

   I was dropped when I was little, into a pool of sexy.

   Like an abounded school I have no principals 

   Wonder if we are getting annoying with all the breaking dawn craziness. Don't complain Guys! You all were annoying talking bout MW3  

   No matter what you do in life, Dont EVER! let the Kirby Vacuum Salesman into your house!!!

   Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. I WANNA HIT THE BUTTON.

   When you think about it, Hitler really wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.

   Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?

   There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

   My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   Gentlemen, for the next 2-3 weeks the best pick up line at any bar is, "What's Call of Duty?" You can thank me at the bachelor party.

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.