Funny Status Messages

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

   As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

   Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

   Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

   If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal.

   Maybe, if they didn't take the test, they wouldn't even have it.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.

   Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of