Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   New gay sitcom: "Leave it, it's beaver."

   How do Mexicans take a family portrait?They all jam into the front seat and run a red light.

   I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ

   Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby. The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."

   How fat was she?She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.

   Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.

   What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   there is a skinny girl inside me tring to get out...but I can shut her up with cookie.

   just got back from my morning walk and got a TON of canned goods!!!!

   what do ducks do when they fly upside down? They quack up!!

   they say you sould talk to plants, because they can feel the love. what in the hell do you say to weed?

   About to have a threesome with Aunt Jamima and Mrs Butterworth

   Should we really lose sleep over these retards who ignore warning signs or should we just let nature take its course?

   I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

   I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.