Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If life's a b!tch... Why do I have to make my own sandwhich?

   I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact.

   Herman Cain's "motorcade" down to a rental car and a fat kid on a trike

   Come on now, this is not a politics platform. This used to be a fun place dammit.

   Sometimes I think I was put on this earth as god's way to punish some people.

   Respect my inbox. Keep your drama out of my inbox.

   "K"= Conversation Over!!!

   Like for republican, dislike for democrat

   The person who invented the online software for your parents to see your grades is a real douchebag and must be assassinated.

   When someone asks, "Where are you from originally?” replying, "My Mom's V@gina", is apparently not a socially acceptable answer.

   Whenever I see a black guy who can't dance I just assume was adopted by white parents.

   I recently lost a friend. Not a real one, just one on Facebook.

   Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.

   All you damn people inviting me to Castleville get on Battlefield 3 so I can knife you!!

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   Q) Why was the Snowman so happy? A) He saw the SnowBlower coming!!!!

   My grandfather was a wise man, which is probably why every Christmas he only gave me Myrrh.

   Is there a High Council of Nazi Elders? To whom do we report these bathroom graffiti artists who are drawing their swastikas backwards?

   I just made eye contact with a guy in a turtleneck and now I like Coldplay.

   If bad decisions were flavored, they'd taste like tequila.