Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - I was shopping for condoms and she asked if I knew how to use them.

   Life would be more bearable if our problems only lasted as long as Kim Kardashian's marriage.

   Shut up unless you want your next period to come out through your nose.

   I think I may be getting too old for a holiday metro vest and skinny jeans....Which most likely explains the weird looks I was getting when I split my pants while shopping at Hot Topic!

   Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or you're taking sh!t from some @sshole!

   Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)

   There are some words you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you say you are.

   i'd like to see things your way but i'm not sure I can stick my head that far up my ass

   war doesn't determine who's right . . . war determines who's left . . .

   I don't understand how awareness campaigns are helpful for things everyone in the world is already aware of.

   People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

   If you are asking me for directions in Spanish, you are likely to get lost in translation.

   "Yep, I definitely have Herpes." -least stolen Facebook Status update, probably.

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving is stuffing the turkey. By turkey I mean the hot cashier at the grocery store.

   I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.

   Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.

   That uneasy moment when you work at Subway and have to make a girl a sandwich.

   "We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed

   zombies can't smell vampires...

   If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!