Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.

   Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar

   Hey status messages auto correct, stop tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

   I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.

   Dear life, whats the fricking recipe for lemonade?

   Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving facebook emails after a weekend of drinking that says "you have been tagged in a photo"

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   not sure what is going on today but I think I released enough "natural gas" to supply my furnace for the winter...

   Holy Sh!t...Did Christina Aguilera get stung by a bee or something

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet Coke.

   Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.

   No one's home so I'm playing practical jokes on my dog and cat. Man, they are so gullible.

   I bet some of the dumber wolves howl at the sun.

   Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.

   What did moths fly into before electricity?

   Feed the homeless to the hungry. Two problems solved.

   Now that I am bald now and I know where dandruff on my shoes are coming from

   If the NBA players really were a union they'd start there own league.

   for sale ;;;; one shaky chair...and some rope..