Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They need to make an app that shows you what your name is saved as in other people's phone.

   Decided to burn some calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire (:

   I bet when Jesse James and Kat Von D have sex it looks like 2 Ed Hardy shirts tumbling in a dryer!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   I wish my wife could understand that I have thoughts and feelings. I'm not just some boy-toy, send by god for her pleasure.

   Nobody takes a leap of faith anymore, noone knows what its like to give everything for a chance to win something.. but you know what kellogs poptarts box, i've got a date with destiny.

   Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   Starbucks has the best coffee of any homeless shelter I've ever been to.

   Texting 'LOL' is probably the most widespread lie of the 21st century.

   Hey adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via Facebook, learn how to text.

   Billion dollar idea: bacon flavored weight loss pills.

   That grandma that got run over by a reindeer was lucky she never lived to hear the terrible Christmas song they wrote about her.

   Talk to your grandparents about the dangers of sexting.