Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my Cheerio's with an obscene amount of sugar....

   I was just asked what the shelf life was of " fruit cake " , all I could say was when's the rapture .

   Watched " Soul surfer " on my " On demand " last night . I have to admit , it takes true dedication to your art to let them cut your arm off for a two hour movie .

   why do some parents send the kid to their room when their bad?..."you did something wrong so go where you keep your toys & think about it"

   My friends are all putting pictures of their kids on their Christmas cards. I dont have kids so I might put a picture of money on mine.

   Everyone is breaking up... Which means christmas is almost here!

   Now I dont wanna have to tell you how to do your job as a woman...But as a man that's my job...

   Children shouldn't be allowed to watch symphonies or big bands on T.V. There is too much sax and violins. It can only lead to Treble.

   IHOP is like Walmart but with pancakes.

   Santa I'm sorry I was so naughty! Last year I was so good you brought me a Grill! This year I just needed the coal!

   Apparently getting naked and crawling on Santas lap saying " I've been a bad, bad girl" is not appropriate behavior at the mall. Who knew?

   Wish they had a NuvaRing that would fit in a woman's mouth!! Then we could take it out when we wanted to talk!!

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all that hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   Target raises deodorant prices to keep Walmart clientele away.

   Just stole Santas naughty girl list! Amazingly its almost identical to my friends list.

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   "I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   If couples who are in love are called "LOVED BIRDS", then couples who argue should be called "ANGRY BIRDS".