Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   Saying "Let's hit up dunkin donuts" makes you fat.

   Mmmmm, Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast. Babe, can you pour more gravy on the green meat please?

   If I ever send you LOL, you should know I prolly faked it! :P

   How's your Pagan/christian-Inspired, Secular Winter, Gift-giving, Observance Day shopping going?

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.

   If a guy treats you like a princess, he was obviously raised by a queen. If he treats you like crap, well..he was raised by someone along the lines of michael vick.

   The three stages of a relationship: 1. xoxo, 2. xxx & 3. ex

   If the happy in love couples are called "love birds" the miserable fighting couples should be called "angry birds"

   Dear whoever is reading this, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.

   A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

   .I texted my girlfriend saying who sang 'Party Rock Anthem'. She replied 'LMFAO'. I don't get what's so funny?

   Look left ═════> You failed.

   .I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money..

   I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money.

   Friend 1: Guys my wife wants to have 3 kids cuz of the 3 musketeers. Friend 2: Well my wife wants to have 7 because of the 7 dwarfs. Me: Guys I gotta go... my wife was watching 101 dalmations..