Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always be true to yourself. But feel free to lie to everyone else as needed.

   Anybody that says "I don't know what I did to deserve this" knows exactly what they did to deserve it.

   My relationship is definitely gaining ground. The judge reduced the restraining order from 400 to 100 feet.

   If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses

   You know you are ugly when your profile pic is never you.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   Some have so big egos that they probably get off in front of a mirror

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   Wanna have some fun? Put a stethoscope around your neck, walk into a hospital waiting room and say "I have very bad news for one of you... I'll be back." Then walk out.

   1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands,7 seas, over 6 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.

   I Typed in search box on Google : "What do woman want?". Google Replied : "We are also searching..."

   Lazy rule; can`t reach it, don`t need it.

   have you humped or got humped yet today?

   Dogs barking to the song Jingle Bells?... Sure why not. You know what, put it on repeat so I have time to tie a noose and find a shaky chair.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   The Wizard of Oz needed another character. Like an alcoholic who needed a liver.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.

   I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.