Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   Starbucks has the best coffee of any homeless shelter I've ever been to.

   Texting 'LOL' is probably the most widespread lie of the 21st century.

   Hey adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via Facebook, learn how to text.

   Billion dollar idea: bacon flavored weight loss pills.

   That grandma that got run over by a reindeer was lucky she never lived to hear the terrible Christmas song they wrote about her.

   Talk to your grandparents about the dangers of sexting.

   n't it nice that soon Justin Bieber will go through puberty, Twilight will end, & Mr.Potter's gone? Everything's going to be normal again

   Yeah let's clone some sheep cause dinosaurs would be too awesome." - Scientists.

   I'm just like Rebecca Black...it takes me until Friday to decide whether I'm sitting in the front or back seat.

   Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.

   One day I wanna copy someone's status word for word and see if they notice.

   The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch

   I'm trying not to judge, but your silver front teeth scream "Medi-Cal".

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   If my girlfriend f*cked liked she whines, I would be the luckiest guy ever.

   if men had periods, would they brag about the size of their tampons?