Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics

   All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   this chick 'Beyonce' lost her phone today She said its on silent. I was like, "If you liked it then you shouldve put a ring on it!"

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you change ure relationship status, after 3 in a year it should auto-default to "unstable"

   FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High

   Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number

   Don't mind seeing a nigg@ with a hideous chubber white girl, but hate it when sh'e's hot.

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!..

   Breaking: Michelle Bachmann calls for immediate release of US Predator drone pilots downed by Iran......

   MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.

   Me: so doc, if I get this lung surgery, will I be able to do a backflip? Doc: yes, of course. Me: awesome, cuz I could never do that before.

   They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.

   Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.

   Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.

   I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.