Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   zombies can't smell vampires...

   If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!

   Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.

   4:55 am. Just got back from sneaking into all of your bedrooms and putting your hands in bowls of lukewarm water.

   I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.

   To the person hacking up a lung in the cube next to me, will you do us all a favor and die already.

   Before I get to my status update I just wanted to say I really can't stand people who think they are so perfect. The world doesn't revolve around you! Now on to my status, I can't believe how awesome I am. Who knew somebody could be so perfect!

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it

   Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. Therefore, I am immortal.

   If your depressed about the world, remember that sea otters hold hands so they dont float away while sleeping

   How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?They don't like any witnesses.

   What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.

   wife: "hunny, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear" . . . husband: "kitchen, living room, dining room, bed room, should I keep going?" . . .

   I know I joke around on facebook with status's about women but deap down I think the greatest thing a man can ever learn, Is how to love a woman and the feeling of being loved in return!

   So NBC has signed an agreement to remake 'The Munsters.' Don't we already have a show about a family of clueless monsters? I think it's called 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.

   99% percent of Republicans think that they are Rich...1% are.

   I wish I could see myself from a woman's perspective.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.