Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends are like a string of Christmas lights. Some are broke, some are burned out, others just don't work for you, a few aren't the brightest, some even need you to untangle the mess they are in..but most of them shine brightest when your day is darkest.

   Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you're in public and it rings, it's the most embarrassing moment of your life?

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back to your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   following his rehab, Jerry Sandusky will sign on to host the new game show 'Are You Hotter Than A 5th Grader'

   For all of you wondering what to do with your Pujols Jerseys. Keep them! Buy some red tape and put a line over the 5 like this >$

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   If you turn on tennis and shut your eyes it sounds like a porno

   If your bf/gf is deliberately hiding his/her phone from you, your relationship is over. Sorry.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   Saying "Let's hit up dunkin donuts" makes you fat.

   Mmmmm, Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast. Babe, can you pour more gravy on the green meat please?

   If I ever send you LOL, you should know I prolly faked it! :P

   How's your Pagan/christian-Inspired, Secular Winter, Gift-giving, Observance Day shopping going?

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.