Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're put on hold using a cellphone, why can't the music be clear? It sounds like listening to an 80s tape after it is all torn up and played backwards.

   (texting from my jail cell)Yesterday was International Ninja Day, when people were encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn't celebrating it.

   What do you call a gay driveby......................A fruit roll-up!!!

   due to the economic crisis the rapper formerly known as 50Cent has now become a paperclip called 20Cents

   F#cked up like a Snake in a Lawnmower

   Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they're quiet. Dont be a cricket

   I took the elevator once but they made me give it back

   LOOK LEFT ------------------------> you failed.

   Women find it rude if you blatantly want to sleep with them. But they find even ruder if you don't.

   Cleft chins are just face camel toes.

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Guy walking through the Olympic Village when a man askd him "are you a Pole Vaulter" the guys says "No I'm a German but how did you know my name was Valter"

   says Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   FML #18402392Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip.

   That 2010 UK study claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist but it merely proved a bunch of British scientists couldn't find it.

   Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!

   treasure your kids when they are young - during the teenage years, you'll wish you had eaten them at birth-

   Geriatric Mythbusters: Nice little old ladies are not necessarily nice. Or little.

   I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.

   There are very, very few things it's ok to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins", is not one of them....