Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to try and say this te nicest way possible. wait I better hold my tounge when I say .... "FQ!"

   Molasses is surprisingly tasty,,,, However, I have to admit,,, I have never actually tried any other parts of a mole yet,,so,,,,,,

   This just in: President Obama calls for Iran to return the lost predator drone. Iran replies, "Not until the spy pilot emerges and faces us for his treachery."

   Time heals everything...except bad tattoos.

   Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You're talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs?”

   Hey big girls: One size fits all on lingerie is just a misleading marketing ploy. Now they got you looking like a trapped seal in a fishnet.

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   Going to the stores and hiding nuggets of weed in nutcracker mouths is how I like to unleash social entropy during this time of year.

   Ho, Ho, Ho!" - Santa Claus doing a naughty girl head count.

   Anybody else having trouble finding a Tebow jersey small enough to fit on their light-up baby Jesus?

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Threesomes get super-awkward when the third person wakes up.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!

   When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started.

   It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.

   All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”

   I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.