Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the socially acceptable waiting period before you can feel free to fart in the presence of your new lover?

   Had a good scare tonight, thought I was experiencing tunnel vision,. Until I looked in the rear view mirror and I realized was wearing my hoodie... "whew"

   I'm not saying movies are getting watered down these days, but The Bourne Constipation was just plain awful...

   Yes, Christmas comes but once a year. So does every other day! February 29th, now theres a day to celebrate!

   4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   I'm relying on future medical breakthroughs to undo the repercussions of my present unhealthy habits.

   Divorce is expensive because its worth it.

   I'd rather have a sister that's a hooker than have a brother who owns a ford

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, because there's no place like home.

   I dont know why soo many people are against gay couples adopting children. According to the"babble" Jesus had two dads and he turned out okay.....

   I consider myself a gentleman I repeatedly opened the car door for my ex especially on curvy roads RJ

   if she got gold in her mouth....she's too hood for you bro

   Be choosey about who you let into your life and be selective about who you let stay.

   if her rims are worth more than her car, she's too hood for you bro

   I am more bored than an Easter Bunny in December.

   It wasn't my fault I got drunk!!! I was thirsty ;) x

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one!!

   Don't be unhappy if your dreams never come true -- just be thankful your nightmares don't.

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.