Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.

   If a guy treats you like a princess, he was obviously raised by a queen. If he treats you like crap, well..he was raised by someone along the lines of michael vick.

   The three stages of a relationship: 1. xoxo, 2. xxx & 3. ex

   If the happy in love couples are called "love birds" the miserable fighting couples should be called "angry birds"

   Dear whoever is reading this, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.

   A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

   .I texted my girlfriend saying who sang 'Party Rock Anthem'. She replied 'LMFAO'. I don't get what's so funny?

   Look left ═════> You failed.

   .I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money..

   I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money.

   Friend 1: Guys my wife wants to have 3 kids cuz of the 3 musketeers. Friend 2: Well my wife wants to have 7 because of the 7 dwarfs. Me: Guys I gotta go... my wife was watching 101 dalmations..

   I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and boxers as slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!

   Got caught jerking off while sniffing my friends sister's panties yesterday.... Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went f*cking ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.

   Just saw 50/50 and now my lower back hurts............. I'm scared

   If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy

   Boy: I wana fu*k you so hard right now. Girl:What?! Boy: Stupid autocorrect! Hey what you doin later? Girl: But, we're talking face to face.

   My dad use to tell me stories about him and his buddies tipping outhouses in his day. Imagine taking a midnight stroll to the can, sitting there minding your own business with your flashlight reading popular mechanics and then "wham"...It's lights out...

   OMG! Stop sending me that stupid birthday calendar request. My damn birthday is already on my profile, why do you need a backup!?!