Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   F*CK! I think I need to put the booze down...Ive been cookin this damn turkey for 450 minutes at 15 degrees... When do I rotate it?!

   undecided between Grey Goose or Wild Turkey for Thanksgiving today.

   Did you hear about the Nascar driver who turned to boxing....he ran around the ring 300 times then knocked the guy out

   It is safe to cook a turkey from the frozen state. The cooking time will take at least 50 percent longer....... REDNECK COOKIN

   Sometimes it's fun to use unnecessary amounts of anger: "Peter can I have one of your chips?" "no" "DAMN IT PETER, I WILL SH!T ON YOUR GRAVE!!"

   They are out hunting Duck at the protective wildlife refuge. Who is protected me or the wildlife?

   Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm 50. Grab a saucer out the cupboard I gotta feed my kitty. Before I leave, brush my teeth, with a tube of Colgate, cause when I leave for the night, I'll be back by 8.

   Hello? Mother Nature? Yes I would like to cancel my monthly subscription...Ah, I can't do that before 40 years are up? No I would not like to transfer to the 9 month plan....

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" "So is a grenade"

   There are four stages of life; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

   feel like I should smoke a cigarette after what it took to get the Canberry sauce out of the can.

   Lazy rule number 43: can't reach it, don't need it.

   Maybe, even just for a day, we could change the 'poke' button on Facebook to 'punch in the face'.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she wont get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: ______.

   PrisonPickupLines Did you fart? Because you just blew me away

   What's the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It's going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.

   if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance

   I'm just wondering where you keeping the money you are going to pay me''