Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/

   When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.

   just saw an over-ally fat man enter a smart car, and I could of sworn I heard the engine scream for help!

   »»──────► To the knee!

   facebook ruined it, whatever happen to actually telling people how you feel?! Nowadays you can just hide behind your status...

   12 Days FB gave to me... 12 Chicks I'm blocking... 11 friends just watching... 10 corny topics.... 9 busted barbies... 8 friends complaining... 7 stalkers stalking... 6 party invites... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeen

   A little girl asked her mom "Mom, are we getting pet lizard?" "Why?" the mom asked. "Cause I heard dad say he had reptile dysfunction."

   Hey ladies that still wear one-piece bathing suits: Nope.

   Breaking News: A woman with a suspicious looking cold sore on her lip just tried to kiss me on the cheek. Don't worry, I am okay. I stiff armed her!

   ♩♩ ♬ Deck the hall with Balls of Holly now has a whole new meaning since gender changes are possible!! ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Faaaaalaaaalaaa laaa laa laa ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Tim

   Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn't ask my parents.

   Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.