Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   If you go to sleep drunk ... are you drunk in your dreams ??

   Does anyone else have that brief thought of "Serial Killer" or "Monster" when they are getting in their car and drop the car keys?

   Why does a Mexican re-fry their beans? Have you ever seen a Mexican do something right the first time?

   YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.

   settingcaptivesfree. com strongly recommend if your addicted to something.

   Time Magazine names "The Protestor" as Person of the Year. If you disagree, congratulations, you just won Person of the Year!

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   I'm beginning to think the wireless mouse was invented just so there was one less thing to hang yourself with at work.

   If you're a white guy with cornrows it should be several acres and in Nebraska.

   Does complaining count as protesting? Cause if so, I'm now a two-time winner of this Time Person of the Year thing.

   Everyone is FAKE one way or another. Whether it's their hair, their ascent, their boobs, their Gucci bag, their personality, or their smile.

   Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC!!! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

   Don't allow your hurt to transform you into someone you are not.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

   If something cool happens and you don't share it on Facebook, did it actually happen?

   Maybe you should start eating your makeup that way you will look better on the inside too