Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Escaped from the island of Misfit people..

   They say a picture is worth a thousand words... have they ever noticed that a middle finger is worth a million?

   I programmed my GPS voice to AC/DC. Now every morning on my way to work it tells me I'm on the Hightway To He!!

   If anyone happens to catch me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them back unblinking and still singing, until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   You know what I hate?..when my key ring starts to fill itself up with unknown keys. Where do these extra keys come from?

   I like turtles because they're so chill- They're just like: "Hey man, I want to swim, & maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time.

   I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys

   I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.

   Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.

   Just loaned my friend $10,000 to get a face lift. Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank.

   does PayPal call anyone else 40 times a day from a 208-515-7481? Them people need to get a life! LOL, I'm not paying you!!

   Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!

   I Could never live in the country..unless theres a 7-11 real close.

   My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!

   I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.

   A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. None leave with me. The end.

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   If you start off a status update with "Note to self" its obviously not.