Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   One leg in the past and one leg in the future means your pissing on the present....

   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

   the "ESC" button is NOt for teleportation. You will never escape.

   I think my best friends and I abuse each other more than the people we actually hate.

   I am not allowed to talk to strange punctuations

   Maybe women wear a watch because they dont carry a stove with them everywhere they go you sexist b@stard.

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.

   I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.

   I just signed up for a well known diet plan. So far, all I've lost is $200

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the neighbours chase me back inside.

   Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   an OK meal...spaghetti O's & Special K

   has anybody else notice that girls go into stalk mode when they like a guy?

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   The walk of shame at the store when you have to put something back because you cant afford it.