Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."

   Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.

   Life doesn't come with a remote, so get off your a$$ and change it.

   We may hate drunk people, but at the end of the day, they are the ONLY ones who speak the real TRUTH!

   Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I Mean once in a while. Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh#t.......

   The Vatican's chief exorcist says yoga is a satanic practice, which means yoga just got about 11,000,000% cooler.

   There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.

   A boy named Suh just gave up a lot of Johnny Cash.

   I'm not sure what color you guys should change your avatars to, but Starbucks is out of bran muffins.

   Curious George books are a great way to teach kids that single men who wear large yellow hats and own pet monkeys are in no way threatening.

   Seeing yet another deer crash into a car reminds me that one of us needs to tell all deer that it's time to stop texting.

   Nothing is scarier than an old milky eyed gypsy whispering "don'cha be 'fraid naw."

   Today is the national animal day,please take a moment to remember your EX

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   Lets hear it for the curvy girls. Skinny girls, please eat something, if I want to see your ribs I would ask for your x-ray.

   If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.

   I found a 1 dollar bill in the dryer the other day and thought, "I bet this happens to strippers every time."

   I'm pretty sure my inability to take things seriously, will one day get me murdered.

   Just saw a guy getting jumped. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.