Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I want for Christmas is you...hit by a bus!

   So proud of my lil' hound dog. Taught Her to sit and lay down on command in less than five minutes. With treats of course. Just that much closer to the final lesson of Go fetch Daddy a beer!

   You know it's cold outside when you see chickens going to KFC to use the deep fryer as a hot-tub...

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you want to 'like' someone's text message.

   I saved a life today, because I asked a hobbo. what will he do if I gave him $1000, he said he will die of happinnes, so I didnt give him

   i just saw several boys gathered in my neighbors yard. Figured its probably related to someones milkshake. or a drug deal... too soon to tell.

   I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, b

   Just threw away a trash can. That was weird. #binception

   Tomorrow is National Facebook Poke day!! Spread the word...

   I did my good deed for the day. I seen a handicap guy parking in one of our spots and I beat his ass.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth-awareness, 'Get Yourself Tested' & Buy or lease a new Hummer this Christmas...Great so, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving slut that dosen't care about the environment???

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me

   Technically, I don't really go to bed. I just give up on the day.

   The more I get to know other people, the less I hate myself.

   Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

   you know it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth awareness, 'Get Yourtself Tested' & buy or lease a Jaguar this Christmas...So, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving sl*t that needs a car & dosn't care for the environment.

   dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

   I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...