Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think I was put on this earth as god's way to punish some people.

   Respect my inbox. Keep your drama out of my inbox.

   "K"= Conversation Over!!!

   Like for republican, dislike for democrat

   The person who invented the online software for your parents to see your grades is a real douchebag and must be assassinated.

   When someone asks, "Where are you from originally?” replying, "My Mom's V@gina", is apparently not a socially acceptable answer.

   Whenever I see a black guy who can't dance I just assume was adopted by white parents.

   I recently lost a friend. Not a real one, just one on Facebook.

   Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.

   All you damn people inviting me to Castleville get on Battlefield 3 so I can knife you!!

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   Q) Why was the Snowman so happy? A) He saw the SnowBlower coming!!!!

   My grandfather was a wise man, which is probably why every Christmas he only gave me Myrrh.

   Is there a High Council of Nazi Elders? To whom do we report these bathroom graffiti artists who are drawing their swastikas backwards?

   I just made eye contact with a guy in a turtleneck and now I like Coldplay.

   If bad decisions were flavored, they'd taste like tequila.

   I don't speak Italian, but Pinot Grigio means "slut fuel," right?

   I'll stop making excuses when other people start taking responsibility for my actions.

   If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel you're in a cave you idiot!

   tryen to get in the Christmas spirit, but I can't get the damn jar to open!