Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

   I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

   * Thank goodness I have direct deposit so I can advoid having to see his signature on my check.

   Everyone knows that Santa lives at the North Pole, but does anyone know where the Easter Bunny lives?

   * His signature looks like one of his lie detector print outs.

   Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?

   I don’t know about you guys but I have been receiving at least 10 “potential spam” calls a day. I am not answering unless they bring me pre paid Visa cards.

   America is so desperate for sports, we'd even settle for soccer.

   When I see all these zoom video chat conferences, I think of the opening scene of "The Brady Bunch"

   the homeless guy who gives me handies for five bucks made me sanitize my junk first because of COVID concerns. that is pretty woke for a homeless dude.

   The WHO doesn't deserve funding since they haven't put out an album since the 1970's.

   I should have been more careful then making my New Year's resolution to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends in 2020

   I'm hoping the Coronavirus predictions are as off as the weather forecasts.

   The current 2020 calender has been scrapped. Going forward it has been redesigned as a year with 121 weeks. Each week is now 3 days long made up of Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday.

   Maybe if I develop feelings for Covid 19 it will leave.

   If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

   If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.