Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I liked your status... Doesnt mean you have to like mine 2 seconds after... Didnt know you liked the idea of me sittin on the toliet..

   Please hurry up with your story.. That I care absolutely nothing about... I'm afraid if I keep this fake smile on my face any longer, its guna get stuck this way.

   we lost 400k jobs, but gained 140k for the month, ya great job obama.

   Celebrating today's unemployment news is like getting excited about all the open tables in the Titanic's dining room, the media appears to be pretending the unemployment rate dropped for some reason other than holiday seasonal staffing.

   Politically speaking, Herman Cain is an extremely horny candidate.

   According to my studies, Aliens NEVER wear pants and are all flat chested females.

   I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.

   I made fun of a pale lady with red hair today and I finally saw a real ginger snap.

   We installed a Cain Train around the base of our Christmas tree, but it keeps stopping to hit on the Sugar Plum Fairy ornament.

   Horse meat is now legal food. Look for McDonald's to introduce the supersized McStallion, low fat McMare, and super lean McGelding burgers, and don't forget the McPony for the kids....Thanks Obama!!

   Apparently I am attracted to women who have big jugs. Of pepper spray.

   Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump are going to sit down for a face to face. Hope they got a big room. That's a lot of face.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   sitting at work prairie doggin' because I don't want to use the company bathroom. I hope I can hold this in for another 5 hours.

   Obama for Italy 2013

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. This is awesome because I was just starting to think that Chewbaccas were becoming extinct...

   I wish Obama would hurry up & have himself a sex scandal already!!! The last time that happened Unemployment was at 4% & Inflation climbed 1%... Anyone remember the good ole days where Andrew Jackson was King?

   Breaking News:FBI just apprehend notorious fugitive The Joker and his accomplices the Smoker and the Midnight Toker in a one-day crime spree spanning three states....

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   proofreading can save your life... I sent a text from New Orleans to my wife that should have read, "Havin a blast, wish you were here". But instead it read, "Havin a blast, wish you were her".