Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The girlfriend gets the wallposts, the hoes get the inbox.

   It's Britney Spears birthday. She's 30. That's about 57 in trailer park years.

   One could make a reasonable argument that the tot is the best part of the tater.

   When your hands are tied, backs against the wall & swept off your feet all at once it clearly means you're a hostage.

   Michael Imperioli is really pissed off about tequila.

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove sh!t from our a$$holes

   Attn: numbskull public bathroom users- would it kill ya to *Flush* when you're done??

   "Dude, She Called You Poor!" "OH HELL NO, Hold My Food Stamps"

   Right now you make about as much sense as an Alzheimer's patient applying for a job as a history teacher.

   I always bring some wire cutters to parties, just in case someone else brings a guitar.

   I'm smiling on the outside because I have a rainbow of pills on the inside.

   Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

   "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they are difficult to verify" - Abraham Lincoln.

   I've been dating a homeless women recently, and I think it's getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.

   OMG, I'm going to be so tired in the morning that I'm not going to be able to think...luckily I'll be at work.

   Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.

   your ass must be from McDonald's, cuz I'm luvin it!

   "Leave It To Beaver" is what I am calling it...it's a club for distraught men that have a hard time dealing with women!!

   Horse d'oeuvres anyone?