Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.

   Hate it when insurance companies sends the settlement with my name mispelled and right address..

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   Some people may hate you for being different & not living by society's standards, but deep down... they wish they had the courage to do the same

   Ho Ho Ho= the first 3 girls on Santas naughty list

   I try to let women think I'm mysterious and not hard up....that's why I wait a good 45 seconds before I Poke someone back on facebook.

   If men are from Mars, that would explain why we try to probe everything.

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is SethMacFarlane and his Evil Genius.....and an Occupy Wall St. Family Guy!

   every time I hear that jolly fat guy with the red suit and reindeer belt out his familiar "Hoe Hoe Hoe"....I cannot help looking around for my ex girlfriend

   talk is cheap, but I guess that's the only thing your broke ass can afford

   If you wake up with a weird taste in your mouth on Chrismas morning, just remember that Santa only comes once a year...

   I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like "Y the hell did I date you?!"

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   Have to go to the doctor to get my blood pressure medication. Not that I need it. I'm a drug dealer to the 50+ crowd

   Found out my american indian name is "running sqiurrel touching it twice"

   Has a strict tag and release policy with cougars

   You realize 300 pages of this crap has been written since thanksgiving.

   just let me get 1 thing straight---------------~ DARN! so close.

   My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.

   Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.