Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators

   You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   I'm wearing “thongs” right now, but it's not what you think. I have some flip-flops in my butt.

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   .it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.

   There's always a ho or a rumour that ruins every relationship

   In my books, The Higher the Heels.. The Higher her Standards.

   Nothing brings 2 people together faster than the hatred of a 3rd person

   You can't be rocking the same pair of jeans for 3 straight days and claim you got SAWG.

   hopes that all of you are practicing your "Oh my God, I LOVE it!" face? We're getting closer...

   It's up to you to find the beauty in the ugliest day.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: HARASSMENT. Usage: “My wife caught me sleeping with another woman and I said don't worry honey, harassment nothing to me.”

   still grounded for being awesome

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "It's Never Going To Happen"

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   I didn't even know Kim Jung was Il.

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person alive for Christmas and I woke up in a box. I guess I should have been more specific.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?