Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   "I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!

   Life is like a pen!s. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

   People who give up their dreams to support others', you are idiots.

   Somewhere, someone is looking for someone exactly like you.

   If your neighbor invites you to come inside, please don't take it too literally. That's how you end up with a baby or in jail.

   The best feeling in the world: When your teacher/lecturer announces that he won't be coming to school tomorrow.

   I spend so much time improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   Mediocre people do mediocre things.

   Swallow my babies so I know your love is real.

   I'm gonna get "Shake well before drinking" tattooed on my pen!s.

   What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.

   I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.