Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   batteries go dead in the t.v remote, take every toy in your childs room apart to find AA's.

   lazy rule: if you can't reach it, you don't need it. if you do need it, scream HELP!! HELP!! someone will eventually show up.

   TO DO LIST: 1:Buy a flat screen TV. 2:Hang it on the wall. 3:Watch 'The Ring' & see that b!tch fall when she crawls out from my TV.

   I don't need a fortune-teller. I already know how i'm gonna die thanks to all those Chain letters

   I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by dropping my car insurance and not having car insurance.

   Always finish your beer. There are thirsty and sober people in Africa.

   Error 404 : Honestly, our developers have yet to create that file!

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

   My God.....even I!M not white enough to like Michael Buble.....

   In my own little world, I'm kind of a BIG deal!!

   I've noticed that the majority of girls with a Facebook username that claims they are hot, sexy, pretty, or da baddest, 99% of the time are not all that and are the complete opposite of what they claim to be.

   if sperm tasted good, none of us would be here......

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.

   My girlfriend said she's sick of me 'always being RIGHT'.... So I LEFT

   What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons

   Most people in church right now are praying for the service to be over.

   I spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone... therefore I'm entitled to benefits!