Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i get called "insane" at least four times a day by both real and imaginary people.

   Alright, buddy, stop scrolling, its time to wipe that as$

   Shower = 27 min. 2min. = Wash and rinse body. 25 min. = Reflection and deep thoughts about the origin of life and the universe.

   FLOWERS: $50....DINNER: $75....HOTEL: $199....the look on his face when she tells him, "I'm on my period": PRICELESS.

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   I think it's about time we start requiring people to show us their bank account statements first before we can call them celebrities. Too many broke a$$ folks trying to pass themselves off as important and deserving of the celebrity status.

   on a scale from 1-10, you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need...

   facebook sucks for people with attention deficit....oooh, a comment

   I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than "I work at McDonalds."

   wanna hear the best pick up line? *unrolls duct tape*

   Death is at the NBA's door and Stern just invited it in for a cup of tea.

   getting ready to give her sheets some ass & her pillow some head ...good night everybody

   I have to show her I can hate her before I show her I can love her

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically desirable and I am aware of this statement.

   ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. a dog. I have a bike. do you like tv? I saw a rock, hi!

   Most dangerous question a wife ever asked her husband: "Honey, notice anything different about me?"

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep. :(

   ***** if you think there should be a "dude I wasnt that drunk" category

   ~• ~• ~• ~• •~ © ~• ~• ~• ~• SWIM BACK GUYS!!!! ITS THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?