Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

   Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.

   I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

   therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no

   If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

   Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

   What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

   * I hear that he has the fire department on standby at his speeches in case his pants catch fire.

   I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!

   When can I start eating bats again.

   I imagine by now a lot of husbands are willing to build that She Shed.

   Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

   Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

   If you happen to be hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona.

   [15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

   The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

   Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

   ESPN is going to fast track its documentary glorifying Michael Jordan. I'll bet that'll be really good!