Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing,

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person . He sends me a note today "She is your Facebook friend_ you have her already" !

   ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez - Not a good year for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   not really surprised about Kim Jongs dearh, it was inevitabre, inevit, inevitabre, inevitabrey going to happen!

   Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool 2nd daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Does anyone in this family like *%#k? Son: I do!

   WATER - Giver of Life….Destroyer of Witches….Improver of T-Shirt contests.....

   Drawing sunglasses on the sun never really made sense to me.

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   Probably didnt think through the whole yelling at my boss 'Youre not the boss of me, Bruce Springsteen is.'

   I like big butts, but unfortunately I do lie. So really, I dont like big butts...Or do I? You'll never know.

   Despite protests, my wife has yet to step down from her post as the oppressive leader of our house.

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators

   You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   I'm wearing “thongs” right now, but it's not what you think. I have some flip-flops in my butt.

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   .it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.

   There's always a ho or a rumour that ruins every relationship