Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Only Difference Between My Car, And Yours Is Mine Did'nt Come Here On A Boat.

   you should leave facebook when you have more relatives than your friends, in your friend list.

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   nothing says American greed more then a packed mall one day after getting free stuff

   Wouldn't it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?

   C)-hrist gave H)-imself as a R)-eward so that I)-ndividuals know the S)-acrifices T)-hat he made for M)-ankind to A)-chieve the gift of S)-alvation.”

   If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”

   Lot of men don't realize the true worth of their wives.........until a judge decides the alimony amount

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.

   I was pulled over by a woman cop this morning. Never knew kitchens had speed limits.

   Anybody else have a turkey hangover?

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.