Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be the one you fall for, when everyone else is falling for you.

   If you call me and I don't answer, it's exactly what you think. I ignored your call.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   All I want for Christmas is for her let me stuff her stocking with my holiday joy.

   "That wasn't eggnog!" is a popular thing to yell this time of year, but I'm trying real hard not to yell it much.

   in support same sex marriages. Can you imagine how awesome Gay Divorce Court will be!!!!

   The bra section of Victoria's Secret. The only place in the world where women fail if they get an A…

   I haven't received one single greetings card from an Ethiopian . . . . . Do they know its Christmas???

   You should have told me that your love has an expiration date.

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   A new day doesn't officially start until you take a shower.

   Girls; Real men look for women who are mature, and know what they want in life; Players will take you either way.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   PICK UP LINE: "Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie about that part?"

   You realize 30 years from now some idiot actress is going to be talking about the "challenge of portraying an icon like Kim Kardashian".

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   Now only if my real life friends could learn to be as cool and funny as my Facebook friends, then I wouldn't have a reason to be on Facebook.