Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   My friend was going to let me borrow her Escalade but I didn't want people to think I was on welfare.

   People don't want their problems fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their Distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the BIG scary unknown

   Randomly text your friends "I lost my phone, can you please call it?"... If they call it, it is important you keep them as close friends, they will be prove of great value when the zombies come.

   "Days of Our Lives" could also be called "Men who dye their hair"

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you were arguing with yourself over the phone and got upset when you hung up."

   It just baffles me that bacon is not legal tender yet.

   Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

   Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

   Life is to short to bicker and cry before we die.....

   I went to a Muslim strip club last night, everyone was shouting "SHOW US YER FACE"

   I keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me..

   untangling apples headphones in under 30 seconds should qualify you for surgery in most countries

   This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the other ones.

   Ladies, if you ever want a guaranteed call from your man, just send him to the grocery store without a shopping list.

   Christmas parties are really just birthday parties for Jesus that he's too cool to show up for

   Tonight's itinerary: watch MMA fight, go to hockey game, drink beer, scratch my balls.