Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shower = 27 min. 2min. = Wash and rinse body. 25 min. = Reflection and deep thoughts about the origin of life and the universe.

   FLOWERS: $50....DINNER: $75....HOTEL: $199....the look on his face when she tells him, "I'm on my period": PRICELESS.

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   I think it's about time we start requiring people to show us their bank account statements first before we can call them celebrities. Too many broke a$$ folks trying to pass themselves off as important and deserving of the celebrity status.

   on a scale from 1-10, you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need...

   facebook sucks for people with attention deficit....oooh, a comment

   I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than "I work at McDonalds."

   wanna hear the best pick up line? *unrolls duct tape*

   Death is at the NBA's door and Stern just invited it in for a cup of tea.

   getting ready to give her sheets some ass & her pillow some head ...good night everybody

   I have to show her I can hate her before I show her I can love her

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically desirable and I am aware of this statement.

   ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. a dog. I have a bike. do you like tv? I saw a rock, hi!

   Most dangerous question a wife ever asked her husband: "Honey, notice anything different about me?"

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep. :(

   ***** if you think there should be a "dude I wasnt that drunk" category

   ~• ~• ~• ~• •~ © ~• ~• ~• ~• SWIM BACK GUYS!!!! ITS THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   The hardcore way to eat ramen: 1) Boil water 2) Eat block of ramen 3) Drink boiled water 4) Snort flavored powder 5) Fu*k B!tches.

   "I'd choose a lazy person to do the hardest job, because they'll surely find an easy way to do it" -Bill Gates proud to be lazy anyone?