Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle.

   If judging others is a sin, Santa must be going to hell.

   I'm dreaming of a liberal Christmas, where nothing is paid for, I always sit on the couch with my hand out, waiting for the people with jobs to pay me more.

   .Merry Christmas to most,and to a select few of you may santa flush his $hitter over your chimney!

   The kids are nestled all snug in their bed, while Stanley's wifes on her knees giving him.. a foot massage!!

   Hey, I'm your friend, I'm two-faced, and I wouldn't mind backstabbing you one day...because that's what all of the friends do am I right...

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   guess I have got to that stage in life where I am either too old for presents or my family has converted to hinduism in my abscense :(

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   If you were a ten year-old boy, what would you want most from Bath and Body Works?

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."