Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   I don't understand the language you are speaking. Can you shut the f*ck up in that same language?

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...

   I had three women making me a sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp. Thats why I like Subway.

   There's no sense in crying over spilled milk....... Oh, it was beer? Carry on then. :(

   If you have a favorite Kardashian, I have no use for you.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Just once I want a Walmart greeter to give me the finger and mouth the words "f*ck you."

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   I'm going to start rubbing Q-Tips on my head.....They have done wonders for growing hair in my ears.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   C'mon someone give me something to make fun of! - Me, talking to my wall.

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."