Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not allowed to talk to strange punctuations

   Maybe women wear a watch because they dont carry a stove with them everywhere they go you sexist b@stard.

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.

   I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.

   I just signed up for a well known diet plan. So far, all I've lost is $200

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the neighbours chase me back inside.

   Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   an OK meal...spaghetti O's & Special K

   has anybody else notice that girls go into stalk mode when they like a guy?

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   The walk of shame at the store when you have to put something back because you cant afford it.

   You aren't crazy, you're just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.

   I'd imagine that hitting the showers had a whole new meaning for the Penn State football team.

   The less people you chill with, the less drama you deal with.

   Claiming my heart back, wrapping it up in aluminum foil and putting it back in the freezer. You dig?

   I f*cked a fat chick in an elevator...it was wrong on so many levels.