Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi. I'm a hot single chick. But I can't be in a relationship because I have to cater to my two lazy, spoiled teenage brats 24/7/365.

   I may not always celebrate holidays, but when I do, I prefer Christmas. Stay cheerful, my friend!!

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.

   I don't always make sense but when I do idont

   I don't always finish my sentences but when ido...

   It's important to have a woman who cooks.2. It's important to have a woman who makes you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman trust you.4. It's important to have a woman that's good in bed.5. Its very important that these 4 women don't know each ot

   If a guy named David has his ID stolen, do we have to call him Dav?

   It is by far the most beautiful lump of coal you have ever seen..

   I don't just laugh in dangers face. I bend it over a chair and pull it's hair!!!

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely sane person.

   When first talking to your kids about Santa, don't say he's God's drunk brother in law. Trust me...

   Excellent! My prediction of the millions of "Merry Christmas" status updates is coming along perfectly. Now all I need is a million "Happy New Years" status updates and my goals of knowing the obvious will be complete.

   I was good at studies tilll I took an arrow to the knee...now I get by with the physically handicapped quota

   If all my Christmas presents were wrapped in bubble wrap... it's be like two gifts in one!!

   i used to be funny like you all, then I took an arrow to the knee

   i hope santa brings me my post apocalyptic survival kit tomorrow! aka: a 12 pack

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.

   Ever notice that our President's initials are B.O. makes sense because he stinks

   This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!