Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OMG I just realized I haven't closely looked at the palm of my hand in like maybe 20 years ! Those white thingies are still under the skin all these years !

   Every picture of you, is of you when you were younger !

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   dear autocorrect...I actually did mean that I was "w*nki°g on the desk in my office" and not "working".

   We love Lesbians!!! We love Lesbians!!! ~ Jerry Springer Audience

   How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

   The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of Google's search results

   After lesbians have sex, I bet there's an insane amount of not shutting up.

   Fellas: If most of you lazy b@stards handled your business well between the sheets there would be fewer lesbians in the world.

   A man's weakness is women and a woman weakness is money.

   My plan this New Years Eve is to avoid people who have plans this New Years Eve.

   When you realize Facebook has made more changes than Obama...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   twighlight did to vampires what brokeback mountain did to cowboys

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   Nothing aggravates me more than to hear a career politician say, "I am not a career politician."

   i may be drunk, but you're ugly, and I can sober up.. when I feel like it

   What is it with all Highways across America where once grown men get on there.. they are immediately obsessed with sticking their finger up their nose to their 2nd Knuckle ?