Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   You can wake up someone who is asleep but you can't wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep

   Dear Ticker...seriously I dont wanna know each click of my friends ........what's this!!!

   running around the house with a wrapping paper tube saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

   when you get gifts, people say "its the thought that counts"...my cousin got me deodorant...does she think I smell bad?

   364 shopping days left

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   I think I've had enough of the Christmas Spirit. The room is starting to spin...

   Death is like transferring schools. You hate to say goodbye to the precious people here, but after you move, you will meet some great people on the other side.

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(