Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2011: Every day I'm shuffling. 1836: Each and every riseth of the sun I will be moving thy feet in a whimsical manner.

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.

   In the ghetto they have roaches answering doors for them.

   I wonder what Jesus said when Judas "Unfollowed" Him?

   You are so SMART with your words , but so DUMB with your actions .

   I am never satisfied, there is always room for improvement. That applies to sex too.

   My life has changed for the better ever since I decided to let God take care of my problems and Karma take care of my enemies.

   Good people die because they don't deserve to suffer here on earth so God takes them to a better place.

   All I want for Christmas is you...hit by a bus!

   So proud of my lil' hound dog. Taught Her to sit and lay down on command in less than five minutes. With treats of course. Just that much closer to the final lesson of Go fetch Daddy a beer!

   You know it's cold outside when you see chickens going to KFC to use the deep fryer as a hot-tub...

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you want to 'like' someone's text message.

   I saved a life today, because I asked a hobbo. what will he do if I gave him $1000, he said he will die of happinnes, so I didnt give him

   i just saw several boys gathered in my neighbors yard. Figured its probably related to someones milkshake. or a drug deal... too soon to tell.

   I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, b

   Just threw away a trash can. That was weird. #binception

   Tomorrow is National Facebook Poke day!! Spread the word...

   I did my good deed for the day. I seen a handicap guy parking in one of our spots and I beat his ass.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth-awareness, 'Get Yourself Tested' & Buy or lease a new Hummer this Christmas...Great so, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving slut that dosen't care about the environment???