Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."

   If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.

   It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   I have no point.... I have a sharp knife tho, will that make up for it?

   I saw a guy ran out of gas, but he got some J's on.....Nows thats good Marketing 101!!!

   while out shopping yesterday my wife asked me to hold her purse...there was no way in hell that I was going to hold her purse!...it didn't even match my shoes

   I'm still hoping Nike will one day come out with an Air Jordan belt....

   Just got "I <3 U" texted to me. Of course I also think one is less than three. Idiot.

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   I'm lovin' my new Air Jordans even if they do smell like Pepper Spray..........

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Steve?".. "Steve who?".. "Steve, Steve."

   Would you rather date a woman with a beautiful body covered in tattoos, or a nicely decorated trash bag?

   It is what It is, I am who I am,believe it or not... I don't give a damn!

   If Penn State Offers You A "Full Ride" Scholarship...I Would Read The Details First.

   Good Lord that song " Red Solo Cup' is the dumbest song ever. I would have to kick my on a** if I wrote that song

   What do you call a woman who talks and wants to cuddle after sex? ......A taxi.

   im going to send in a video of me dodging a spider web as my audition tape for the next Matrix movie

   Out of the many defining moments in a mans life, few are as significant as winning a game of NBA Jam.