Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's interesting how people claim to love/like their jobs, but ready to go home as soon as they get in the door.

   Just because I liked your status, doesn't mean I actually read it. More to make you feel like someone actually cares about what you have to say.

   Stop lookin at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got

   I don't NEED a drink, I can quit anytime. So I am quitting January 1st, 2055.

   checking my Myspace account....wishing Tom a Happy New year. Anyone remembers where the sign-off button is at?

   If I poke you on Facebook and you poke me back does that mean we just had Facebook sex? & if I poke you and you didn't want to be poked did I just rape your page?

   Its a t!t bit nipply outside... I breast go in where its a little bit hooter

   Im the type of person who enjoys making people: cringe, blush, and shake their head when reading my status!

   Nothing says dumba$$ like re-gifting someone a gift they gave you.

   I picked up this chick last Friday night. I'm not saying she's fat or anything, but when I pulled her panties down to her knees, her a$$ was still in them. :(

   already gave my sub to Sally. Now get lost you manipulating b***h!

   New Years forecast: Partly drunk with scattered shots with 100 % chance of getting laid!

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   New Years Resolution #1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.

   They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.

   So I told my bofriend I need a commitment from him so he sent his playboy subscribtion to my house

   Waking up for work :(-_-) .. Waking up on a saturday: \( 'O' )/

   The one night I wish I was a cop... amateur night.