Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's face it, if jizz tasted good, none of us would have been born.

   Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.

   Kids these days, Will never know what it feels like to push a VHS tape into a VCR.

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up

   When someone calls me a C**t... I know I've done something right

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.

   "Dude, she just called you disorganized!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my...oh sh!t were is it!?"

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?

   I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".

   i feel sorry for future generation college kids.....we buy our books & can sell them back...in the future it will be a kindle download you cant sell back

   ◔◡◔ stalk mode; on.

   I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   Fracking - because only man would want to create something so toxic it can kill rocks.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.