Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear ex, can you please return my dignity I left at your place but you can keep my Nickelback Cd collection.

   you never see the chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials anymore...makes me wonder what's in those 99 cent burritos

   I missed my ex today so I reloaded & shot again

   Dear old love: I used to fantasize about you dying so that I could be single again. I'm so glad I decided to leave you instead of waiting for you to die.

   If you play a Nickleback song backwards you will hear Satanic messages, even worse, if you play it forward you'll hear Nickleback

   I just finished washing a load of paper plates if anyone's wondering about my bank account balance.

   there a way to write a Yelp review for one of my girlfriend's farts?

   Maybe if the Spaniards hadn't wiped them all out, the Mayans would have completed their f*cking calendar!

   I wonder how great philosophers would have felt to see their great knowledge being quoted on Facebook because someone thinks it applies to their baby daddy's issues........hhmmmm

   I tend to say " I don't know" when i'm too lazy to speak.

   I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. :/

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.

   Don't have safe sex unless you know the combination.

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you or atleast that is what my wife says.

   my New Years Resolution is to be less laz

   Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It's Tuesday that sucks.

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you.

   I've just ordered personalized license plates that say, "BAA BAA" They should look awesome on my black jeep. O_o

   I'd like to thank my attorney, my plastic surgeon and my psychiatrist.

   CNN was showing a woman counting ballots. I haven't seen coverage like this, since Sesame Street.