Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive.

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Call me delta airlines, cause I cant handle your extra baggage

   Someone needs their vote privilege taken away!!

   Facebook may say that we are friends, but I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face!

   Wife: "I lost 5 pounds this month" Me: "I lose 5 pounds when a take a dump" Wife: Maybe you should take more dumps

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....

   At the rate I am coughing, I expect a "Six Pack" or an "Brain Aneurysm" buy the end of the week!

   Cute girls going from "single" to "in a relationship"...WHEN WILL THIS EPIDEMIC END!

   Christmas and booze they both have a lot to do with SPIRIT!

   .... It's now being reported on the news that Kim Jong Il's very last words before he died were ......... "Hey, .... Aren't you Chuck Nor..............."

   Surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot, sailor's knot.....I can't do them, but the wires in back of my computer desk sure can.

   I'm chocolate and I got a thing for Vanilla...

   Floyd Mayweather beat up his wife and wanted to go to jail so he can duck Manny Pacquiao again

   How does justin bieber remove a condom? He farts.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end on a call, we would have no friends.

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table* Who the hell drank my beer!

   I haven't posted "what's on my mind" since I "used my mind" and found a site that could do it for me (: