Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?

   What's the difference between a bagel and a $lutty fat chick? One's a roll with a hole. The other is a hole with a roll.

   To all those who DO include the year of your birthdate on Facebook... we know you're young... and stupid... and about to be the next victim of identity theft!

   Things you despised in your boyfriend or girlfriend while you are dating get magnified 10 times when you get married.

   The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.

   I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she's not that ugly

   women are like cable tv: some channels are good and some channels are bad, but those really fun kinky channels always cost you more.

   You'd think a community activist would have a better handle on the economy by now.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   If I ever write thanks as thx you have full permission to smack me.

   I have to admit...as a woman I am jealous of men who can get morning wood. I could use a piece this morning.....to beat my alarm clock with!!!

   Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep :) :p

   There are 3 kind of people.. The one's that know how to count and the ones that don't

   No matter how good he looks.. Someone somewhere is tired of his sh*t!...

   posting "I love you!!!" today on Facebook is the equivalent to shouting it from the top of a mountain back in the day.

   To all guys who say they don't understand women: You don't have to understand how a TV works to enjoy watching it, do you?