Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it's a Booty Call!

   Dear Santa, when I said I wanted something blingy around my neck.... STREP THROAT is NOT what I had in mind :/

   The best way to "baby proof" your house is to wear a condom.

   Only 12 % of the earths population can solve this in 30 seconds. Say the 0pposite of these words: 1) always 2) coming 3) from 4) take 5) me 6) down

   I name my pen!s "Attention" because we all know how much women love attention

   I'm watching Scarface because I'm gangsta. On VHS because I'm old school. At Wal-Mart because I'm homeless.

   "dude, he just called you a girl" "oh hell no! hold my purse."

   so....I almost got beat up in jail last night !....my family takes Monopoly very seriously....

   I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ

   I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   Let's all go caroling at a Jehovah's witness house...

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.!!!!!!!!!

   There are just some people who shouldn't exist and if they are going to be allowed to exist then they should be Taxed extra for all the precious air they use!

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence :P!!

   In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

   Wow! that was close! I almost gave a F*ck!

   Yeah, I can see where decorating your office for Christmas takes priority over you actually doing the job you're getting paid for. While you're at it you might as well decorate the bathroom too, someone might actually give a sh*t in there

   Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2011.

   I wish R.I.P Meant - "Return If Possible"

   If sex were a pancake, it would be a very good pancake.