Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My good deed: Saw this homeless guy sign today, I was compelled by what I saw and immediately went to Walgreens to buy him a new poster and markers.....No one should have a sign that bad.

   I don't want a relationship where people say "They look so cute together." I want one where they say, "Look how happy they are together."

   I use to prefer the girls that adored it when we made a romantic mix tape together. Now I prefer the ones that find it romantic when we use a mix of duct tape together.

   It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes

   Been doing the Shake Weight thing all morning. Think I may go buy one now...

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   Guys, ever have a dream where Angelina Jolie goes down on you and her lips explode all over your crotch? No? Well, you will now...

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   a busy day of laying on the couch while snacking and watching football ahead.

   single and ready to mingle! And by mingle I mean get laid.

   If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.