Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the state of Colorado has just converted it's time zone from Mountain time to .....TEBOW TIME!!!

   Dang, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Greatest fear in life…. Someone will find a way to retrieve everything I've ever googled.

   Approximately 80% of my regrets involve hitting “send”

   When FB stalking someone & I find out their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

   My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

   Me without you is LIKE Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, Movie without music and Google with no results.

   I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

   "Remember to be rule a forward pass, the pass has to move forward." - Phil Simms

   Congratulations to Jay-z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby. She won't have to work a day in her life, they should call her Lay-Z

   Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

   Today, I had the greatest Sunday dinner ever. I can't begin to define the level of greatness that this meal possessed. It was so great, I can't actually tell you you how truly great it was. I had Frosted Flakes.

   Hoes Love buying Sharpies so they can draw on their eyebrows like this (^_^) (~_~) (`_`) ("_") (-_-) (/_\) (-_=) (~_^) (-_~) (*_~)

   When you think your having a bad day remember you could be Amish.

   If a ex-wife is laying in your bed, gasping for air and calling out your name, then you might want to hold the pillow down some more.

   Somepeople were born to be other people's cheerleaders and praise singers.

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.

   its how funny how you can tell some people cant spell. "they speak into the phone"