Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like enlarged buttocks and I cannot stop myself from telling the truth.

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

   Guys with great penmanship probably jack-off to other men with that fancy writing hand of theirs.

   Hold on, I'm trying to give a f!ck

   I hate winter because I can't sniff bike seats.

   I pulled into Dunkin Doughnuts drive thru and a women appeared at the window and asked, "may I take your order". Jedi Master am I.

   Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets.

   A chick who ask 4 nothin will get Everything.. A chick who ask for Everything will get NOTHIN!! #Attitude-IS-everything -

   The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.

   If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   Damn, I was way off. Turns out Alien vs Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   Any woman who says, 'I can have any man I want' is lying, has no standards and no man wants her ass.

   I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.

   Screw a designated driver. I need a designated liver.

   Jehovah's witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.

   The DOT sent me the wrong personalized plates. They say ASSMAN

   you might think it's funny, but it's snot

   when I answered the door, the pizza delivery guy was naked. WT?

   To all d jerks & dbags, y'all are like clouds. When y'all disappear, it's a brighter day.

   My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"