Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Special merry xmas to all the essential personnel that have to work this holiday season i.e. doctors nurses cops..fire men 7-11 employees ..!!

   Special merry xmas to all the essential personnel that have to work this holiday season i.e. doctors nurses cops..fire men 7-11 employees ..!!

   My ultimate goal in life is to someday sing 800-CASH-NOW in a JD Wentworth commercial.

   I'm hearing Fight's breaking out over new pairs of Jordan's shoe at Mall's across the country. um...there's no punchline to this, just people getting punched in line!

   If you choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance that you will be correct? A) 25% B) 50% C) 60% D) 25%

   Dear Santa, Please bring world peace, a cure to cancer, fix the financial crisis............ and please find, and land your sleigh on Casey Anthony's head. That's all...

   Ladies, you're running out of time to hump your way to some excellent Christmas presents from that guy you're sort of seeing right now.

   I bet the old guys that apply for the mall Santa job positions are undercover pedophiles.

   it okay to fake my own death just so I don't have to spend Christmas with my family?

   What happens when you pepper spray a German? He can Nazi.

   Some people need to realize there is a "reply" option and a "reply all button".

   How are we suppose to have flying cars if we can't even get AM radio without static?

   Remember Grandpa from the show "RugRats"? Was I the only one shocked that his favorite snack was "Fuzzy Ding-A-Ling Bars"?

   If you're a psychic and you get murdered then no you weren't.

   run with wolves and you'll howl, associate with eagles and you'll soar!!

   WTF are you complaining about?! Unless there is lying, cheating, abuse or stealing involved in your relationship then its not as bad as you're making it out to be!

   ♫♪♫....I'm beginning to think I'm blocked for Christmas...♫♪♫

   It won't be easier just to erase every comment with more than 20 dislikes and almost no likes?

   The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to

   The party dont start till I log in.