Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate people who keep saying LMS on FaceBook. LMS if you agree.

   My belt is too tight on the last notch but to loose on the next one..FML

   Life is to short to remove USB safely!!!!!!

   Why aren't mustaches called mouth brows?

   childrens shows should really take into consideration that some kids may not have two eyes two ears and so on befote they sing about it.

   saw the new George Foreman grill in the store last night and the box says it can reduce fat by 42%. It's a lie...I leaned against the box and nothing happened!

   No, I'm not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.

   White Kid: For Christmas I got 500 dollars, a PS3, and an X Box 360/

   I ripped a bunch of pubes out on the bus today. It hurt like hell! especially when the chick who I did it to woke up and punched me. :(

   Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive.

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Call me delta airlines, cause I cant handle your extra baggage

   Someone needs their vote privilege taken away!!

   Facebook may say that we are friends, but I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face!

   Wife: "I lost 5 pounds this month" Me: "I lose 5 pounds when a take a dump" Wife: Maybe you should take more dumps

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....

   At the rate I am coughing, I expect a "Six Pack" or an "Brain Aneurysm" buy the end of the week!

   Cute girls going from "single" to "in a relationship"...WHEN WILL THIS EPIDEMIC END!