Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Santa must think my name is Cole.......

   Mediocre sex will definitely get you cheated on.

   One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

   Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.

   Son: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Dad: "Ask your sister." Son: "But I don't have a..."

   Don't let someone build you, because they will have the power to destroy you whenever they want.

   Don't act like you never waddled across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   I never wake up before my alarm clock goes off. Not because I'm lazy and like to sleep in, its because I don't want it feeling insignificant.

   Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...

   Feminist must be so offended every time they need to use a restroom and see the figure on the door still wearing a dress.

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   "never on schedule, but always on Facebook."