Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wrapping my girlfriends present, but I tell ya I'm not comfortable with tape near my puibs...

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   How did I end up on the naughty list? I sold my soul to Santa as a kid for better toys. Too bad I'm dyslexic.

   Ohhh, you wanted an iPad? I thought you said pet rock, dang

   There are no rules for Holiday Family Fight Club, just a series of passive-aggressive statements.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   Happy National Gift Card Day!

   I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   Should I be worried that Santa just de-friended me?

   Why is my wife asking me for a watch for christmas? She already has one on the microwave and oven!

   Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don't mix it up this year!

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   I believe that I am the only one that gets that Walmart buggy with the deformed wheel.

   Just a quick post, to wish you all a merry politically-correct non-denominational 'Winterfest'-type holiday, and a happy Gregorian calendar reset.

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.