Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So its the day after christmas. boxing day for some; discount shopping to others; toilet blow out day for all who stuff the sh*t out of there bellys at that family member house! Good luck and hang in there.

   My flyswatter is such a buzz kill

   Sometimes when I wanna be really romantic........ I light a candle when I masturbate

   All dressed in my jammies and ready for bed, gonna give my sheets some ass and my pillows some head!! nighty night!!

   I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?

   Last night when I was drunk I asked my cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.

   "Dude! He just called you a thief!" "Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!"

   My New Year's resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.

   Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.

   how come there is an weekly test of the emergency alert system every single day.

   The Only Difference Between My Car, And Yours Is Mine Did'nt Come Here On A Boat.

   you should leave facebook when you have more relatives than your friends, in your friend list.

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   nothing says American greed more then a packed mall one day after getting free stuff

   Wouldn't it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?

   C)-hrist gave H)-imself as a R)-eward so that I)-ndividuals know the S)-acrifices T)-hat he made for M)-ankind to A)-chieve the gift of S)-alvation.”

   If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”

   Lot of men don't realize the true worth of their wives.........until a judge decides the alimony amount