Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They always seem to want you back the minute they see you being happy with someone else.

   To any girl who calls herself a Barbie: FYI, real men don't play with barbies.

   hors d'oevures now there is a word that snooty people like to use regularly, most of us just say "snacks" and we survive the holidays just fine.

   Settling in for the night with a glass of orange juice and the Dukes of Hazzard.

   I look forward everyday to extending my streak of never watching a single minute of "The View"!

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly cuz you r a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because ur a vegetarian

   For Sale: 1 Heart. Horrible condition. I don't care what you do with it, just rip it out of my chest and take away this pain.

   Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...

   one word answers are the nice way of saying "f*ck you and this conversation"...

   Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.

   Some people don't poop, crap just comes out of their mouth 24/7.

   Hey mom?” “WHAT!?” “Nevermind you`re not in a good mood.

   Only a few more days until those “yo, 2012 is about to be my year” status updates..

   Has the NORAD Santa tracker stopped working? It says he's been at the Cheetahs Club in NYC for the past 48 hours.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   I cut the sleeves off my snuggie because it makes me look more badas$$. THUG LIFE.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   So if I win the Mega Millions tonight, maybe I can move my name from my shirt to the front of the building at work ((fingers crossed)).

   The world will end in February and Hypercolor shirts are coming back HUGE, according to the Wikipedia article I just made up.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else