Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government

   Someone stole my wife identity and her credit score went up. Even they couldn't spend that much.

   feeling more lazy than the fuy who invented the japanese flag

   If a mentally challenged kid is late for class, is it ok to call him tardy

   We now live in a culture where ppl choose their insurance providers based on who has the most comedic TV commercials.

   If I seem disinterested it's only because I'm a terrible actor.

   Paula Deen selling Diabetes Drugs is like Courtney Love selling methadone.

   Wait a minute. I'm supposed to believe God is on the side of the quarterback NOT married to Gisele?

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!! (",)

   .I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫

   Scientists have found that women share the same dna as prawns.. Their heads are full of sh*t but their pink bits taste amazing!!

   If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.

   When gas stations start charging for air--that's inflation

   feeling more lazy that the guy who invented the Flamethrower "I wanna set that on fire way over there, but I dont wanna get up"

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Whenever a woman says, "I'm going out tonight with the girls;" I like to think she's referring to her boobs.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   Ahhh yes! My favourite day of the year, Friday the 13th,, ,, just sharpened my machete and dusted off my goalie mask,, well, off to the lake, see you later!!

   It is impossible to defeat an ignorant person in an argument.

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.