Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love the phrase "we're expecting" when talking about pregnancy, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome - "Yeah, we're expecting a baby.......... but it could very well be a Tyrannosaurus Rex"

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   I would like to give a big shout out to all the pissed off kids who only get one set of presents a year because their birthday is too close to Christmas.

   Do you remember your parents telling you when you were bad, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Those were the good ole' days

   Kids 50yrs from now........."Grandpa sure tells long stories about AOL, CDs, and Myspace"

   Years from now, when our kids asks what's Myspace..."come sit on grandpa's lap and let me tell you about the good ol' computer days.... Once upon a time there was Myspace started by Tom, and then there wasn't. THE END".

   I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can moonwalk?

   Teenage: have time & energy but no money Working age: have money & energy but no time Old age: have time & money but no energy! ~

   listening to Neil Diamond Christmas music...Man when he sings I feel like he is getting ready to really kick someones a$$

   they say money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a sh!t load of bacon and thats pretty damn close

   When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

   Free advice: Never attempt to shave a beaver when its got a hold of your log.

   It's interesting how people claim to love/like their jobs, but ready to go home as soon as they get in the door.

   Just because I liked your status, doesn't mean I actually read it. More to make you feel like someone actually cares about what you have to say.

   Stop lookin at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got

   I don't NEED a drink, I can quit anytime. So I am quitting January 1st, 2055.

   checking my Myspace account....wishing Tom a Happy New year. Anyone remembers where the sign-off button is at?

   If I poke you on Facebook and you poke me back does that mean we just had Facebook sex? & if I poke you and you didn't want to be poked did I just rape your page?

   Its a t!t bit nipply outside... I breast go in where its a little bit hooter

   Im the type of person who enjoys making people: cringe, blush, and shake their head when reading my status!