Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Your Hair Isn't Long Enough For A Ponytail Don't Put In One!

   The best place to survive a zombie apocalypse is where it most likely began. Walmart.

   Not everything that cometh your way is yours to keep. Some things are meant for temporary use only. And that applies to people too.

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   A friend in need is a friend who's going straight to voicemail.

   Myspace, the Nickelback of the internet.

   Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through that sh!t.

   Ghetto word of the Day: DISAPPOINTMENT. Usage: My Parole officer said if I miss disappointment they gonna throw my ass back in jail.

   Hey Rihanna, do you mind if me if me, Lil Wayne, Drake & the guys skateboard on your forehead?

   Keep your woman close and your cell phone closer!

   waking up early is for the birds....

   if you use the word "chillaxin" your automatically a cornball in my book.

   if you act like a douche i'm gonna call you "eve"

   Spongebob is Definetly Asian! he's Yellow! he knows Karate and he cant drive.

   No peace at home = no piece at home.

   Dont be disappointed if ppl refuse to help you.... remember the words of Einstein.... "Im thankful for those who said "NO" because of them I did it myself!" ツ ♡

   I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her

   I blew up my air mattress and now it's asking for a cigarette.

   Was I supposed to write something here?

   Tim Tebow predicted Alabama's win at 3:16 this afternoon