Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.

   Hang on Tim, God is caught in traffic. Still hasn't arrived in Foxboro yet.

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's a Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   Watching the Cowboys. The John Wayne ones, not the loosing ones.

   Friends are like trees. They both fall down after being hit multiple times with an ax.

   The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

   My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.

   Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed

   I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.

   Pretty sure Brazil has an enormous wax museum.

   I hate when ppl say near miss, shouldnt it be a near hit?

   wondering what to do. I used my last Post-It Note and have no idea how to remind myself to get more...

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!

   Figure out what you want otherwise others will just string you along to accomplish what THEY want.

   The other day I went for a job interview, do you think it was a bad idea to ask if they ever press charges?

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Yo, Momma got a Ticket for driving in the HOV Lane ...She told the officer "I didn't see that v up there".

   What's my favorite animal? A Grey Goose duh,,