Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if I win the Mega Millions tonight, maybe I can move my name from my shirt to the front of the building at work ((fingers crossed)).

   The world will end in February and Hypercolor shirts are coming back HUGE, according to the Wikipedia article I just made up.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

   How many people ending a Facebook conversation by liking the last comment.If so like this comment

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF

   Mini skirts don't work on maxi butts.

   Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.

   Every trip to Wal-Mart results in me seeing an equal number of people I THOUGHT were dead and I WISH were dead.

   enjoys long, romantic walks to my fridge!

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   Love means never having to say anything because you're both looking at your smart phones.

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is bathing more than once a week...he may be cheating on you!