Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   It would be easier to keep my New Year's resolution to accept and forgive people if they'd stop being the same jacka$$es they were last year.

   too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF

   I spend so much time with the Internet that it could be considered online dating.

   Roses are red Violets are blue Porn hub is downYour mums Facebook will do..

   I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "ooo yes please, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   GOVERNMENT ADVICE When travelling in extreme weather conditions everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the train this morning.

   Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!

   My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!

   In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....

   I once denied a friend request from the most interesting man in the world.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

   If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.

   Husband:"My Olympic condoms are here, I think I'll wear the gold one 2night" Wife:"Couldnt you wear the silver one and come 2ND 4 a change"

   If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

   "And the flowers are still standing!"

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   thank you Tom Brady for showing the world that you have way more GOD given talent than Tebow!