Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   ....... ATTENTION ..... Today is the LAST hump day in 2011 ....... there will never ever .... for all eternity ..... be another hump day in 2011 ....... so get out there and get as much humping in today as possible ............. that is all .... you may n

   Out of all of Santa's reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.

   Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.

   Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."

   If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.

   It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   I have no point.... I have a sharp knife tho, will that make up for it?

   I saw a guy ran out of gas, but he got some J's on.....Nows thats good Marketing 101!!!

   while out shopping yesterday my wife asked me to hold her purse...there was no way in hell that I was going to hold her purse!...it didn't even match my shoes

   I'm still hoping Nike will one day come out with an Air Jordan belt....

   Just got "I <3 U" texted to me. Of course I also think one is less than three. Idiot.

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   I'm lovin' my new Air Jordans even if they do smell like Pepper Spray..........

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Steve?".. "Steve who?".. "Steve, Steve."

   Would you rather date a woman with a beautiful body covered in tattoos, or a nicely decorated trash bag?

   It is what It is, I am who I am,believe it or not... I don't give a damn!