Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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We all have chapters, in our lives, we don't want published. Be reminded though that it's those chapters which make the book worth reading.

On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.

Have a headache take medicine, side effects- drowsiness, hunger, loss of family and baldness up to three months,
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01-14-2012 07:55 by Jon
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people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I tell em " would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari?
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01-14-2012 07:49 by g0re
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The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James........... Just a headband
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01-14-2012 07:46 by g0re
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The only thing worse than having a mouthful of chili when you sneeze is to have a nose full of chili AFTER you sneeze! F*ck ME!!!!
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01-14-2012 07:22
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One positive thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whoever you meet.
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01-14-2012 07:14 by Mickey
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As a parent, I find myself using the same cliches my parents did.... for example, "Wimp! It's only Everclear!"
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01-14-2012 05:25 by sbenj69
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Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
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01-14-2012 05:14 by g0re
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I'm not fat because I want to be.... rather, I think it's my best chance to land a skinny mate.
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01-14-2012 04:53
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I hate it when I wake up from drinking, and half of my head is shaved, I have shaving cream in one hand, and the other hand is in a glass of warm water; especially when I've been drinking at home alone
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01-14-2012 04:26
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the only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.
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01-14-2012 02:47
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For 20 yrs Jay-Z referred to other men's daughters as b!tches & hoes then decides his own daughter Princess Baby Jesus is exempt from the game!
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01-14-2012 02:47 by Czovczov
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That moment when you get closer and the automatic door hasn't opened yet.
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01-14-2012 02:07
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That f*ckin moment you spent all game getting drunk and rooting your team on for the win and they lose and now you just look like a drunk assh0l3!
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01-14-2012 01:28
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"
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01-14-2012 01:21 by L
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Come to the nerd side.. we have Pi.
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01-14-2012 01:07
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What if I am retarded, but my parents paid everyone to play along so I could be happy...
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01-14-2012 00:55
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A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one.

#<( '-'< ) I was going to give you this waffle, ( >'-' )># but then I was like, ( >'#'< ) I'm hungry ( >'-'< ) so I ate it."
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01-14-2012 00:05 by fadolo
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