Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you get closer and the automatic door hasn't opened yet.

   That f*ckin moment you spent all game getting drunk and rooting your team on for the win and they lose and now you just look like a drunk assh0l3!

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   Come to the nerd side.. we have Pi.

   What if I am retarded, but my parents paid everyone to play along so I could be happy...

   A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one.

   ‎#<( '-'< ) I was going to give you this waffle, ( >'-' )># but then I was like, ( >'#'< ) I'm hungry ( >'-'< ) so I ate it."

   I'm a passionate man. I like some things and love others. Example: I like coming and I love leaving.

   Fact: you can't wake someone who has Parkinson up by shaking him.

   can't make it rain cause, my coupons might drown me! xD

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   I was gonna update my status, but then I got high.

   If you ever hire me to work for you, don't pay me money, pay me with 12 cases of beer. That's where all the money is going anyway!

   What concert ticket costs 0.45 cents? .... 50 cent Feat. Nickleback....

   men always notice it's cold when their nipples become larger than their balls

   go out tonight and sow your wild oats, then wake up tomorrow and pray like hell for crop failure.

   Happy Beer the 13th

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.